The Road Map to Reconnection

Parents can do a lot to make it easier for no-contact adult children to respond.

Nobody wants to think of their no-contact adult child as being “estranged” from them. But if your relationship feels chilly, hostile, or non-existent, that word might actually fit your situation… at least for the moment.

I know: Who could have imagined that one day, your own child would cut you off and walk away? There was a time when that was unthinkable. And now, sadly, the unthinkable seems to have happened.

Just getting your mind around that is an accomplishment. Being honest with yourself about difficult things can paradoxically help to soothe you, just a little bit. We feel out of control when we lie to ourselves. Honesty is sometimes painful, but it’s a clean pain.

Being unwillingly estranged from your adult child is horribly painful, and I’m sorry if you’re going through that right now. But please know that estrangement doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship. There may be a lot you can do today, to make any needed repairs.

Estrangement often has roots in the past; but it always occurs in the present. And that’s the only place where it can be resolved.

But how can I fix this if my child won’t talk to me?, I hear you ask. Good question. There may be a way. Read on.

First, let’s be clear on what doesn’t work: You keep reaching out and asking them what’s wrong, appealing to their better nature, or chiding them for breaking your heart (or someone else’s). Failing that, you send gifts, cards, little notes with “I miss you” from time to time, and still get nowhere.

When you’ve tried contacting your estranged adult child and their responses become shorter and fewer over time, here’s another thing to try. I call it the Road Map to Reconnection. It consists of three steps…

The first 2 steps don’t require your adult child / Photo by Jon Tyson

The following steps are based on years of observation as a therapist specializing in parent-adult child estrangement.

I’ve noticed there’s often work to do on the parent’s end, individually or with a spouse or partner, that can actually make it easier for a no-contact adult child to become a “yes, contact!” adult child.

Step 1: Rest and Recover

The first step is to pause, breathe, and get your bearings. Your nervous system may be on edge because of this unwanted separation from your child that feels like a slow-motion emergency.

When this happens, your “thinking brain” – the one that makes good, solid, adult decisions – is out of service. You can’t use it to figure out next steps because it’s essentially offline. Fear and panic are running the show. Or rage and frustration. Or despair and paralysis. Anything but reason is controlling how you respond to your child’s estrangement, until you embrace Step 1.

Step 1 practices encourage embodiment and relaxation / Photo by Sage Friedman

Step 2: Research and Review

Once you’ve gotten your “thinking brain” back online through the grounding practices of Step 1 (e.g., yoga, meditation, prayer, slow breathing, mindful movement, reading inspirational texts, massage, nature walks, visualization, somatic therapy, etc., etc.), you feel safer. In Step 2 (research and review), you can concentrate. You can take in and process relevant information. You no longer feel like gum on the bottom of your child’s shoe.

The Reconnection Club library is full of videos, audios, articles and live events designed to help you do what Step 2 is all about, which is to understand and respond thoughtfully to your child’s reasons for estrangement. And that might also mean coming to peace with things that can’t be changed.

Step 3: Reach Out and Repair

By the time you get here, the hard work is already done. You’re 90% finished.

The work of relationship repair began in Step 1 as you reconnected to yourself, regaining a sense of safety and security within. It continued through Step 2 as you reconnected with your intuition, self-compassion and personal power. You reflected on your experience and educated yourself.

Step 3 is when you may choose to reach out to your estranged adult child – assuming they haven’t already contacted you – and apply the wisdom you developed in Steps 1 and 2.

You now bring to the relationship everything you’ve come to know in your body, mind and soul about reconnection. You did it over time with conscious, consistent effort.

There’s no guarantee your adult child will be ready to hear from you when you reach Step 3. That’s one reason not to rush through the steps. Your adult child might still have their own work to do, and may need more time to do it.

But if you follow this Road Map to Reconnection, spending most of your time in Steps 1 and 2, you will feel better than you do today. Guaranteed.

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